Peace With - PAST

 

I found a post in an excerpt of Instagram threads, although I haven't installed it yet. The thread goes like this:

"When a man falls in love with a woman, he will hide it (keep it a secret from anyone), because he is worried that other men will snatch her away.

Meanwhile, when a woman falls in love with a man, she will show it so that no other women approach her.

Is this true?"

Here, I also wonder, "is it true?", but I remember a discussion with my close friend since our time at the Junior Boarding School. Perhaps it's more accurate to say someone with whom we both have made peace with our past, and who might be able to explain everything about the content of the thread. Our communication only happened once last year when I contacted him and asked how he was doing. It turned out that he hadn't broken his fast and didn't have any food. He is an orphan, and his mother remarried. So, I tried to help him by sending food online (he was on an island very far from Java, which takes about 4 days of travel by land to reach).

I said to him, "Do you know? Back when we were at the Junior Islamic Boarding School, many girls were interested in and curious about you, from our juniors to the seniors. But because you were known as a reserved, introverted, quiet, and mysterious person, information about you—like your identity, your face, and all the details about you—seemed hard to find. Especially since you never interacted with the girls at the Junior Islamic Boarding School at that time, no news or stories about you ever emerged, even though you often led prayers and gave speeches live using the microphone during Fajr (Subuh prayer). And even though I knew you and who you were, I never told anyone anything about you, not even mentioning your name in front of them, even though we were already close and exchanged letters at that time. 

Until one day, there were two juniors who seemed to like you. One of them was the granddaughter of the Boarding's owner. She tried to find out about you, and of course, it was very easy for her to access such information. She found out about your face and everything about your identity, your behavior, and your personality. I watched her movements, and it seemed like she was trying to send you a letter to get to know you, but her attempts always failed. :) I noticed that she was trying to find out everything about you, including your voice and your schedule as an imam. 

One afternoon, she talked to my close friend who was walking with me.

'Sister !, I saw that senior's face! Oh my God! , He is so handsome! Tall, fair-skinned, with slanted eyes like a Chinese person, and a sharp nose (a sharp nose in Indonesia gives a strong and masculine impression on a man). Ahhhh...!! I want to get close to her! ,Do you know any information or stories about that senior?. I like her alootttt !!, so Handsomee...!. He is also a class champion, right? Class ranking, right?, An imam too?, Last night, he led the Isha prayer in congregation, and his voice was so melodious!!!, Give me information about that senior, please, how could you Not know anything about him?'

Hearing her chatter, I smiled slightly and glanced at my friend, who did the same.

‘I don't know much,’ my friend responded, even though she was the one who interacted and talked to you the most, even more often than I did. We rarely communicated unless there was something you wanted to inform me about, and vice versa, like news from the ustadzah or the office planning to punish me. 

After we left that junior and headed to class, my friend asked,
‘Aren't you jealous, Kasyfi?’

I answered, ‘Not at all, I don't feel anything. If she wants to be with him, then let her TAKE him, if she can,  TAKE IT.! TAKE !, I am not afraid at all. That would mean she's amazing, because I know who his level tho. If she manages to win his heart, then he is meant for her but it won't change my acquaintance and communication with Him (it means you). It's just normal.’

He : "AHHAHAHAHHA, crazy kasyfi"

"And yes, what I thought and predicted about you was true. You didn't respond to her at all when she managed to get your phone number through whatever access she had, then she sent you a short message (back then there were no smartphones), tried to get close to you, and expressed her feelings to you during the one-day monthly boarding holiday. The next day, when the holiday ended, on Monday, she told my friend again,

‘Sis, he rejected me, I'm so sad!, But I won't give up, I want to give her a gift!, I've already bought a gift, please help me give this to your boys acquaintance in islamic male section.’

My friend told me all the details about what that junior said; she didn't know that we were very close friends. Even the whole school didn't know that my friend was my key and my spy to get a lot of information at the boarding. Her friendly and easy-going nature made it easy for me to get information from her connections in  male area and other friends who wanted to harm me and get me punished to the teachers in the office.

Physically, if girls are comfortable with their friends, they always stick with their circle or always pair up. But my friend and I didn't act like that; we kept our distance and appeared as if we didn't know each other, even though we were actually close. All the information about you came from her. We lived 24 hours a day with other people together. So they would know physically whom we were close to, because people wouldn't want to share information with anyone close to us. That's why I kept all this, so any information entering my territory could be handled well. For instance, if I was going to be punished tomorrow due to a friend's slander, I could do something to avoid the punishment and surprise them. So any access about you, all those I knew who had some information about you, I asked them to keep quiet or make up any story until the information was incorrect. If any of them didn't listen to me, I would mentally intimidate them until they gave in.

My friend and I often fought in public, and sometimes it was intentional to make it seem like we were really arguing and not on speaking terms. As a result, many people would approach her and tell her everything about me and what they were planning to do. In reality, when we met and passed by each other, we had a code to communicate if there was something important to convey. No one knew this until we graduated, and some of the important information leaks at the Boarding were actually due to our actions. No one ever found out. 

Do you know? Many female students wanted to send you letters, and they did so through my friend, not knowing that I had already disposed of those letters by washing them down the toilet and into the drain. Garbage messages!,
Was I cruel ? Perhaps not. I was actually just helping them avoid heartbreak because I knew you would reject them. Wasn't I being kind ?. But why were they so foolish and didn't understand?. I wasn't jealous at all; I actually felt sorry for the people who liked you."

He laughed upon hearing all my explanations, as if the story from 13 years ago was a funny tale we could retell, now that we had both made peace and had our own paths.

He aske me, "Do you still remember that story? The story of people chasing me at the Boarding ?"

"I do... because back then, I had already thought at that time that I would tell you about it one day, and I found it very amusing. I felt this was the right time to tell you all about it."

"What about the gift then? Why didn't I receive it?"

"I asked my friend to give it to another student, using the access she had."

"AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA, so the gift was misdelivered?"

"Yes, it wasn't meant for you. We changed its recipient's identity."

"AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA, didn't the granddaughter of the owner of the boarding ask about the continuation of the gift?"

"It seems she gave up, as there was no response from you. I know she hoped you would thank her for the gift or whatever message she eagerly awaited from you, hoping your heart would melt and you would start dating her. I'm a woman; I know how women play their games, and I know her target was to date a 'the best role model student' like you. Especially since she's the granddaughter of the owner of this boarding. Of course, she had an exclusive right. But it seems she's not as smart as I am."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA, And how did the person who received the gift respond, confused?"

"Maybe, but at least I addressed the gift to a student who felt lonely and friendless. I had information about that student (him), and it seems they were happy to have a 'secret admirer'."

"AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA... crazy, crazy..."

"This isn't about me not being able to handle delivering those gifts and letters responsibly, but I knew what I had to do to maintain your reputation as the best student in the Boarding at that time, and I didn't want your name tarnished. Because I never tarnished your name here, I stayed silent when people were curious about you. However, those who liked and pursued you tarnished it, spreading rumors about you everywhere. I was worried that the teachers here would think you had a special relationship with the female students here, and that would damage your reputation because you were being slandered by women," I explained.

"By the way, thank you, Kasyfi. It is such a funny story."

"Oh yeah, one more thing, when I rejected you for dating back then, it wasn't because I didn't like you. Liking someone is natural for humans. I was just thinking long-term about our acquaintance. Many friendships break because of two people dating. I mean, I have a close friend whom I also have to protect emotionally. She's someone who has helped me a lot during our time at the Boarding. I didn't want her to feel lost because I always leaned towards talking about you to her. I preferred listening to all her problems rather than talking about you. Just imagine if we had dated back then, would we be communicating this casually now? People who used to date can become enemies. And not only that, maybe we would have gone far. I just hoped that you would realize this, but it seems it was still difficult for you."

"Ah, forgive me, Kasyfi. I didn't know your thoughts had gone that far. Maybe if I think about it, based on my personality, I could have been deeply hurt because we had a special relationship back then but you left me. I'm the bad one; I was the one who initiated the wrong relationship. Ah... forgive me, and thank you for trying to make me realize, even though it seems I was foolish at that time. Despite the 'good' title I had at the Boarding, I'm a man, Kasyfi. Men's hearts easily melt, even desiring to fully possess a woman. That's why I asked you to date me. My principle back then was ‘one for my lifetime is enough’."

"But at least now I can clarify everything after 12 years of not communicating, funny, right?"

"But do you know, Kasyfi? There's a friend of yours who contacted me and asked me to marry her. She said whether she liked me since our time at the Boarding but didn't dare because of you. And she knows we were close; she also knew we used to exchange letters."

"What?! When did she contact you?"

"Hmm... earlier this year (2023)."

"Oh really?! Who is she ? I just found out about this. Is this for real? Or could it be that she observed all my movements at the Boarding, including all these stories? Even though I did everything secretly and discreetly, is she still unmarried?"

"Not yet. She asked me at that time or several times, 'Still in touch with Kasyfi? ', ‘Do you still like her? Can't you open your heart to me even a little?’. "

"What?! Who is she?! Accept her, if she's good. Just accept her; you might regret it later."

"I can't, Kasyfi. Emotionally, I'm not the type of guy who easily moves on."

“But, how was your response...?”

“I said to her, ‘I still communicate with her’

“Then, What is her response?”

“She said, ‘ooooo.. still, Do you still like her ?, Can't you open your heart to me even a little?’.”

“AHAHAHAHA, then what you said ? say YES !! that you can open your heart, and why don't you say that you never communicate with me !?, it is gonna hurt her feeling.. !!”

“No., i don't know, I don't like her...”

"She definitely isn't my Best friend then. My Best friend is already married. But seriously, she's still unmarried until now? And she's still waiting for you and asking you to marry her?."

"Yes, Kasyfi..."

"What?! Who is she???” I try to mention and guess the names of my friends from the boarding who are currently unmarried. “X, Y, Z, P, Q, R, S?"

"No, Kasyfi, no, I won't confirm any of your guesses. I wont never say ‘YES’ belongs to your guess !"

"Ahahahhaha, Okay! What are her characteristics then?. Tall, medium, short, cute, class champion, average, or was she someone who contacted you during our time at the pesantren? But who could it be?"

"No, Kasyfi, I won't mention anything about her to know this, you're too smart for me to give you a clue."

"Was she someone who used to communicate with you too?"

"Astaghfirullah !!, Kasyfi, I know what you're thinking. You're asking, but it seems like you're leading me towards the answer you want, right? I know you, Kasyfi. I'm not that foolish about this. I WONT ANSWER ALL OF YOUR QUESTION ABOUT IT. "

"Ahahahha, She's someone who used to talk to you, right? There's no way she could have liked you for so long if it wasn't because she knew you for a long time. Especially since she said, 'Liked you since the Boarding.' OF COURSE, SHE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE. But why don't you accept her feelings that have been there for so long?"

"I don't like her."

"Astaghfirullah...!! Accept her... open your heart to her. You might lose someone who truly cares and loves you. You'll regret it. She has accepted you just the way you are."

"I'm still waiting for the person from before, and I don't know until when."

"The person from before ?,  What do you mean? (he fell silent) I can't do it anymore. You once left and disappeared, and that feeling only came once and can't happen twice.".

"I disappeared at that time because I felt that way towards you and thought... 'oh, she doesn't want to date me, so why should I linger with her?' So, it's better for me to leave because I also didn't want to disturb your studies back then."

"Haaafffftt, I don't know what to say, but the important thing is, try to open your heart to her. If she's a good woman, don't waste it, and never compare me with her in your mind. Learn to open your heart to her ; she might be the one who can elevate your status as a man. Learn to accept her."

"I still can't, Kasyfi, and maybe I never will..."

"But, are you still in contact with her? What did she say?"

"Yeah, basically she was jealous when I liked you back at the Boarding, that's she gist of it."

"Astaghfirullah... I want to tell her, 'Don't give up, keep going! Make his heart melt if you still like HIM !'"

"HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you're crazy, Kasyfi..."

"Well, we're both adults now, and we've both come to terms with our past, you and me. Now, it's time for us to go our separate ways, and you, try to open your heart to her, don't regret it. She's the only one who loves you; your parents are no longer here, and I can't be there for you anymore."

Since this conversation, I haven't communicated much because many things have been clarified between us. And YAP! Until now. I just pray that he will be destined to be with her.

~Riau, 26 Mei 2024

edited : The women already got married in 2024